Monday, May 24, 2010

I haven't blogged in weeks...

Where do i even start?

So in the past two weeks I have up and moved to Colorado :) and moved in with my best friend and her fiance over at Littmssunshine... Surprised her for her college graduation.. Got a new job quickly at another Massage Envy (woohoo for me) and now we are getting the keys to our new apartment tomorrow!

But thats just the sugar coating.. between the roller coaster of where we were going to stay and the on-going boy drama in my life.. oh and the McDonalds splurging and.. oh boy, hot fudge sundae AND three chocolate cookies today... I have been stressing.

So please forgive me, I am currently at a loss of words.

Plus... its Monday.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Top Ten {Tuesday} Moments...

My Top Ten for the week :)

1. Sitting on the beach with a loved one, sharing kisses in the silence while the waves crash on the shore.
2. Laughing until my cheeks burn with my best friend. 
3. The sound of rain dancing on the pavement while I laugh and play in the rain.
4. Sitting around a fire with friends.. intoxicated of cours
5. Watching fireworks explode as my heart swells with excitement.
6. Lightning storms that take out the power and force us to be in candle light.
7. Missing someone who misses me as well.
8. Rough housing with the boys, and actually kicking their butts :)
9. Realizing that I've accomplished goals larger then I had imagined.
10. The feeling of loss, because it means that I had actually cared.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Helpless Saturday....

I have never felt so scared.

I showed up to work at 730, and was going to be the only one there until about 845, so I go about my opening duties, making sure everything is in order, cash is counted, and the spa is ready. When 8am rolls around, I unlock the doors and await for customers to come in. The first scheduled massage wasn't until 9am, so I was munching on my breakfast of an egg white, spinach and feta cheese breakfast wrap, just passing the time.

And then he showed up.

No, not the appointment... but the bum.

I caught my breath as my stomach hit the floor, I prayed that he would just continue to walk by - instead, he caught my eye and smiled. I smelled the stench before he was in my face. Leaves poked through the mass of brown curly hair, and white foam was drying around his mouth.

He looked at me, and I saw his vomit covered hands, his fingernails an inch long. His eyes were shifty and he asked, "Can I use your bathroom?" Of course, being the only one here, I inched my chair over to the register and held my shaking hand over the panic button, there was no way I was going to let him use our bathroom. I responded, "No sir, I am sorry but we do not have a restroom here."

That is when his vomit covered hand went inside his dirt covered coat and out came a rusty knife. His ice blue eyes bore into mine as he asked if I was sure we didn't have a bathroom. I didn't budge, no we do not (of course, we have three and a shower!).

"How much for a massage from you, blondie?" He made a inappropriate gesture as he asked.

I kept my mouth shut. My stomach was in knots, and I didn't know what to do. That's when the therapist walked in for her shift. She was shocked, and sat down next to me, not knowing what else to do, tears formed in my eyes as I was afraid as to what was going to happen next, and a combination of relief that I was no longer alone with him and guilt that the therapist was put in this situation.

He muttered to himself, eyes shifting, touching things with his dirty hands, his long fingernails scraping against the counter. He put the knife back in his pocket, and walked back outside after saying, "I'll see you later blondie." He stopped outside the doors as they slammed shut and waved.

I ran to the door and locked it, the therapist calling the police.

I cried. I threw up. I was horrified.

I have never felt so helpless in my life. The situation could of turned so much worse, but for whatever reason, he left me alone. I was sick for the rest of the day.

The police haven't found him.

To all the women out there, be careful.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Repairs.. why must EVERYTHING need repairs?!?

Lately, everything in my life has seemed to be needing repairs. It is so frustrating!

First, my truck. I have this gigantic cracked windshield that zigs and zags across my view, teasing me while I drive. Oh, and there's that "Check Engine" light that is always on, and the HUGE dent my front bumper when I let a friend borrow my truck so he could move to his new place, while it was snowing... hmm.. where DID that huge $3,000.00 dent come from?!

Then there's my computer! I had to bring my little MacBook into the Apple Store today, and of course, while sitting there moping about my broken computer - I came up with today's blog idea.. REPAIRS!! Meanwhile, my computer, which has a broken built-in camera, the dvd drive stopped working, parts of the laptop have chipped off, and of course, it has become slower then molasses! So... bye bye MacBook, bye bye $280.00 in repairs... hopefully it works 100% when I get it next week!

And of course, my life is in constant need of repair. My credit has gone down the drain and it seems that no matter how much I try to improve it, it stays the same. School keeps getting put on the back burner because I cannot afford it, but I keep trying, keep pushing on, even if its one class.

Lastly, there's my heart. I don't know how to fix this one, but I am trying. I miss people I care about, I care for people who don't exactly care for me, I have a huge family but I am so alone. They don't understand me and don't even try. I am a stranger to them. A stranger who drops everything to help them. They have their own inside jokes, and secret bonds. So there's this broken-hearted girl, a girl who hurts when she forces a smile. A girl who forgets that she used to be happy, a jokester, full of life.

A girl that is me.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


It's Wednesday and that means it's time for my feature, Where In The World Wednesday!

If you participate, please take the button the fabulous Feris made to use in your post!
The idea of WITWW is to post a picture of you in someplace in the doesn't have to be somewhere foreign or tropical. Just a picture of you somewhere that you consider traveling. It might even be somewhere in your own hometown! Feel free to get creative and post where you WISH you could travel, old scanned pictures of vacations from years ago or even feel free to repeat a destination with different photos! Get creative.
So, since I am currently missing my family in Costa Rica, I decided it was going to be my WITWW for this week! Here are some pictures for you to enjoy of my stays in Playa Hermosa, Costa Rica - where my father, step-mother, brother and sister currently reside. I only get to go down there once or twice a year. At the moment, I could definitely use a escape visit to them! 

Surf's up :) 

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Top Ten {Tuesdays} I Can't Live Without...

My Top Ten for the week :) Things I Can't Live Without

1. My new bracelet I got while in Mammoth Lakes, CA. I am obsessed with it and wear it everyday! It is a tightly woven black nylon bracelet with a silver peace sign with clear rhinestones by Tai. It is the one on the right side. The brown was cute, but I don't wear enough brown, and the peace sign looks cute when I wear it on my left wrist with my heart tattoo.

2. Pomegranate Exfoliating Face Mask by Murad is absolutely AMAZING! I tried it out for the first time last night and my face was all tingly, happy and soft! It felt like instant hydration! And the tiny little box contains 6 masks! LOVE IT! We sell this handy little package at my work, I hardly get a discount, but $22.50 for 6 amazing masks?! What a steal!

3. Walks in the sand at sunset at the edge of the world, the wind styling my hair, the salt teasing my lips. I love living so close to the water, it is my sanctuary. Even on bad days, I can walk down to the beach and be caressed by the sweet, warm breeze. It is so calming to be standing at the edge of the water, the sand washing back into the sea under my feet. Yes, that picture is one of where I live.. lucky me.

4. My black Rainbow Sandals with clear crystals are a MUST HAVE for me. When I have days where I misplace them, I panic, and search frantically. These are the most comfy sandals and always make my feet look pretty even when I don't have a chance to get a pedicure! I want to get them in every color! I have had these for a couple years now, and they still look brand new!

5. A daily planner is constantly in my purse! If I don't have it with me, I feel lost. If I don't write down ideas, plans, appointments, work schedules, immediately - I completely forget everything! Of course it has to be cute, and pretty. I also have this weird obsession with journals. My mom likes to make fun of me for it. I have tons of pretty journals lined up on my bookshelf, waiting for me to write my heart away in.

6. Burt's Bees Pomegranate Lip Balm and AH! I have, of course, misplaced one of my (several) Burt's Lip Balms at the moment and it is driving me insane! I have this weird obsession with pomegranate as well right now.. But lip balm is my "go to" item when I get nervous or need something to do with my hands... Plus, I hate having chapped lips!

7. My Gaiam aluminum water bottle is another "always in my purse" item. Reusable and extremely durable (as my clumsy hands often drop things), it is handy and good for the environment! Plus, it is pretty to drink out of, so I want to drink more out of it! Goodbye dehydration! Hello water intake! Oh, did I mention, I have basically quit drinking everything but juice, tea and water? No more sodas for me! More Gaiam pretty bottles filled with water!

8. Asics Running Shoes even though it seems that I walk in them more often then run, but they are extremely comfy and mold to my foot with its gel cushioning. Plus, they aren't incredibly pricy and the color blue is my favorite! So I can't go wrong with these! They accompany me on my beach runs every time!

9. My iphone. Yes, I said it... I have to have my phone. It has everything on it! Pictures of my life, family and friends for when I get lonely, music to pump up my moods, fun games to kill boredom, finance trackers to keep me in line, calendars (yes, even though I ALSO have my planner), and of course numbers of people I love. Oh, and my favorite new app "Shazam" which helps me identify cool new songs I hear on the radio :)

10. Sushi!!! Oh I can't imagine a life without sushi! It is hands down my favorite food and if I had the funds, I would eat it everyday! Just thinking about it is making my mouth water... hmm, maybe it will be a sushi night! Right now my favorite is a plate at this hole in the wall place by my house called 9 Style Sushi, and it is albacore sashimi with thinly sliced tomato (I normally don't like those..) and avocado with a tasty sauce on top.. Oooh.. I'm hungry now..

Anyways, there are my Top Ten Things I Can't Live Without...

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Promiscuous Girl

So, my current read is Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity by Kerry Cohen, and I have to say, it is quite a surprising read!

It is about a girl, who at eleven years old realizes her power as a female. She wanted attention, she wanted love, but instead she turned to sex. She begins to head down this long road of late night hook ups with young men. She had become an addict to sex and male attention. She began to falsely believe that men gave meaning to her life. It was enough for her that she had a man, any man, just for the moment, even if that moment was short.

A desperate girl who hands over her body to boys, trying to control them by doing so. A desperate girl who went about everything the wrong way.

A desperate girl who wanted to be loved.

I am only halfway through the book, but it definitely brings a realization to how girls try so desperately to be loved. I know because I have been that girl before. Wanting so bad for someone to care, that it didn't matter who was the one holding me at the end of the day. Of course, I wasn't eleven when that had started. I was 21. I had just broken up with a boyfriend I had just moved in with. He cheated on me. He broke me.

And I lost myself. Part of me feels like I will never heal from that hit. I had a really bad year after that. I joked that I had a boyfriend for each season, however, there were more then that. I am not proud of this. I have never been the promiscuous girl, the flirt, the temptress. I hardly find myself attractive and often catch myself critiquing myself in the mirror. I found myself on the beach one night after doing 2 lines of cocaine, and realized I was lost.

I have been really good since. I have not touched drugs, I have drank alcohol very little, and have only been seeing one guy - when he wants to see me... but that is another story. I'm on this long road of trying to make myself happy, and I often find myself in tears at the most random places. I even had a break down ordering my sister's lunch at Carls Jr drive thru. I am not sure why I have been having these little anxiety attacks, but I am determined to find a way to fix myself. I don't know how long it will take.

Hopefully I will get there.