I haven't blogged in weeks...

Where do i even start?

So in the past two weeks I have up and moved to Colorado :) and moved in with my best friend and her fiance over at Littmssunshine... Surprised her for her college graduation.. Got a new job quickly at another Massage Envy (woohoo for me) and now we are getting the keys to our new apartment tomorrow!

But thats just the sugar coating.. between the roller coaster of where we were going to stay and the on-going boy drama in my life.. oh and the McDonalds splurging and.. oh boy, hot fudge sundae AND three chocolate cookies today... I have been stressing.


So please forgive me, I am currently at a loss of words.

Plus... its Monday.

Repairs.. why must EVERYTHING need repairs?!?

Lately, everything in my life has seemed to be needing repairs. It is so frustrating!

First, my truck. I have this gigantic cracked windshield that zigs and zags across my view, teasing me while I drive. Oh, and there's that "Check Engine" light that is always on, and the HUGE dent my front bumper when I let a friend borrow my truck so he could move to his new place, while it was snowing... hmm.. where DID that huge $3,000.00 dent come from?!

Then there's my computer! I had to bring my little MacBook into the Apple Store today, and of course, while sitting there moping about my broken computer - I came up with today's blog idea.. REPAIRS!! Meanwhile, my computer, which has a broken built-in camera, the dvd drive stopped working, parts of the laptop have chipped off, and of course, it has become slower then molasses! So... bye bye MacBook, bye bye $280.00 in repairs... hopefully it works 100% when I get it next week!

And of course, my life is in constant need of repair. My credit has gone down the drain and it seems that no matter how much I try to improve it, it stays the same. School keeps getting put on the back burner because I cannot afford it, but I keep trying, keep pushing on, even if its one class.

Lastly, there's my heart. I don't know how to fix this one, but I am trying. I miss people I care about, I care for people who don't exactly care for me, I have a huge family but I am so alone. They don't understand me and don't even try. I am a stranger to them. A stranger who drops everything to help them. They have their own inside jokes, and secret bonds. So there's this broken-hearted girl, a girl who hurts when she forces a smile. A girl who forgets that she used to be happy, a jokester, full of life.

A girl that is me.

Costa Rica Recap

Some mornings I wake to screaming monkeys, sometimes to fighting wild turkeys, or singing macaws.  I do love the wildlife - even when it disturbs my sleep. Or.. get chased or jumped at by the monkeys. That is always fun - as I run off screaming in tears!

We have gone surfing, and swimming and ziplining and floated down the river and ridden ATVs and so much more. This trip was great even though I spent half of it nursing my aching shoulder. We went on horseback rides, went to friends dinner parties. It was really, really a fun trip. Dad played jokes and the kids and I bonded and had a blast. We watched SO many movies, as they don't have cable. We go down to the DVD place and almost watched a new movie every night. Of course, we spent our Sunday afternoons watching football games in an air-conditioned bar!

My favorite part about this trip was getting to sit on the back of the jet ski while watching my dad, his friend Charlie, a camp kid Bret and my brother James do tow-ins to the huge waves! Oh how incredible that was! These huge thundering waves building as they quietly make their way down the wave, peacefully.

I love the food here. Ah, how delicious is the fish and the fruit! I could eat this everyday! In fact, I think that I did! Along with a few sweets here and there... mmm gelato...

Saying goodbye to my family was sad and I was pretty surprised about how real my emotions were for this family that is still really new to me.  I almost cried - I truly love them with all of my heart.

I had a few "self-improvement" thoughts when I was out there.. Such as language classes while in Italy, how beneficial that would be! Maybe, I can make some friends in the city that way. Also, I have a book idea.. but, I will save that idea for myself as I work on it this year.. :) I will keep you posted. I promise.

I did battle myself quite often. I think of him often, especially when I'm alone at night. I worry about Italy and what I am going to do with my life. I have so much to figure out. Should it really be this tough? My friend in Colorado had her mother pass away, I broke down and called my mommy crying and telling her how much I loved her. My heart broke for them that day. I still hurt for them.

My mind is often my prison where self-torture is more often then not.. its unfortunate. Somedays I hate myself. I have so much in this life that is at my fingertips. I can live the life. But I don't. It's almost like I refuse to allow myself the pleasure of living. All I feel is - alone.

I have the world in my palms.

Costa Flight

I leave tonight. I am all packed and concerned that I have forgotten something, and my stomach is in knots...

I have one last lunch at La Siesta with my mom and real dad -Jim dad- ugh, how will I ever find a polite way to differentiate?!

I can tell that my mom is sad I am leaving, whether it is a genuine - she will miss me or sad about the life she missed out on when she chose dad Terry instead - I may never know.. but she is sad.

My family - or part of my family I should say arrived at the airport hoarding all of our bags. We sat down and had some pizza while waiting for our midnight red-eye flight. The boy called me, and I answered sadly, knowing this is going to be rough and say goodbye.

We board the plane and I am sitting next to my sister Moriah - I force my eyes shut and squeeze out a tear as I quickly fall asleep..

When I wake up for the hundredth time, the flight attendants are pushing the breakfast carts down the aisles with delicious waffles topped with berries. I have a stomach ache, head ache and incredibly swollen feet that I am forcing into my favorite boat inspired loafer-like Vans as we land in El Salvador.

A lone bird - see... alone again - is trapped inside the airport and I take sympathy for the poor creature as I feel my heart ripping in two..

We land in Costa Rica and I laugh when I wake up to an annoyed Moriah who was stuck chatting with a guy at the left of her while I hid under my sweatshirt hood trying to calm my nerves.

IT IS HOT!!! Way too hot! The air is thick and I choke on its moistness. A volcano had errupted on the other side of CR, but there is no concern as we load up the car and head home to be greeted by a million waiting animals.

I crawl into bed tonight and anxiously waited for myself to panic. Alone. I'm in a jungle in Costa Rica at my family's house, yet I feel so incredibly alone... again. The jungle sings to me as I close my eyes remembering what it was like to be in his arms, anything but alone, feeling completely adored and safe..

The jungle sings to me in its quiet shrill.. the animals and insects of the night calling to each other, for fear of being.. alone.

Leaving Tomorrow