It is about a girl, who at eleven years old realizes her power as a female. She wanted attention, she wanted love, but instead she turned to sex. She begins to head down this long road of late night hook ups with young men. She had become an addict to sex and male attention. She began to falsely believe that men gave meaning to her life. It was enough for her that she had a man, any man, just for the moment, even if that moment was short.
A desperate girl who hands over her body to boys, trying to control them by doing so. A desperate girl who went about everything the wrong way.
A desperate girl who wanted to be loved.
I am only halfway through the book, but it definitely brings a realization to how girls try so desperately to be loved. I know because I have been that girl before. Wanting so bad for someone to care, that it didn't matter who was the one holding me at the end of the day. Of course, I wasn't eleven when that had started. I was 21. I had just broken up with a boyfriend I had just moved in with. He cheated on me. He broke me.
And I lost myself. Part of me feels like I will never heal from that hit. I had a really bad year after that. I joked that I had a boyfriend for each season, however, there were more then that. I am not proud of this. I have never been the promiscuous girl, the flirt, the temptress. I hardly find myself attractive and often catch myself critiquing myself in the mirror. I found myself on the beach one night after doing 2 lines of cocaine, and realized I was lost.
I have been really good since. I have not touched drugs, I have drank alcohol very little, and have only been seeing one guy - when he wants to see me... but that is another story. I'm on this long road of trying to make myself happy, and I often find myself in tears at the most random places. I even had a break down ordering my sister's lunch at Carls Jr drive thru. I am not sure why I have been having these little anxiety attacks, but I am determined to find a way to fix myself. I don't know how long it will take.
Hopefully I will get there.
I have no words for this post. But I think you should keep going with posts like this.
ReplyDeletei had a rough patch moving back home. i was completely broken.
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